Evil vs. Good

"I'm going to have to put you through this so you can help others"  - This is something that I was told after I shared my experience of losing our baby. This was said in a way that it was like God was telling me this.

I do not believe that for one second. My God did not put me through this so I could help others. 

What the enemy intended for evil, my God is using for good! 

I used my training and work towards certification as a huge form of distraction from the fact that I was no longer preparing for the arrival of another babe. I made a point to not keep track of what trimester I would have been in. I just kept trudging on with my nose in books.

It wasn't until I watched some of my husband's home videos that showed my mother in law out of bed, happy, laughing weeks/months after her babies were born that it dawned on me... What I’ve been feeling for the past two years isn't normal.

It wasn't until a couple of months after the videos that I read a book off my required reading list on postpartum depression/anxiety that it finally clicked. This is what I have been going through. I looked into natural ways of healing and it lead me to seek treatment and ultimately ended up with the diagnosis of not only postpartum depression and anxiety but also Hashimoto's disease as hypothyroidism.

If I had not experienced the loss of Olive I would not have decided to become a doula at this point in my life, which had the required reading for postpartum depression.

I would have not only continued to be miserable but inadvertently making life miserable for my family thinking this is our new normal. I am afraid to think how long that would have gone on...

Throughout this time of healing (and waaay before then) Zach has been an incredible partner and HUGE support for me, even when I have been downright mean and hateful. This is truly what our wedding vows referred to when we said: “in sickness and in health.”

There have been many times this year that I’ve thought, “I’d understand if he left.”

Throughout all of this he has been encouraging me to take care of myself, & Evie. “Don’t worry about the dishes! I’ll get dinner! What laundry needs to be done?” etc.

All of his days off have been spent at doctors’ offices or at home with Evie while I am at the doctor since my diagnosis. This is in addition to his 70+ hour workweek. There is no one else I could imagine going through this with, and receiving as much compassion and love as he’s shown me.

Scrolling through statistics like  “those who had a miscarriage were 22 percent more likely to divorce” (and that’s on top of the national average divorce rate) really shows that when the enemy comes to steal, kill, & destroy he really does come at you in every way possible. 

Going through an experience that statistically leaves marriages broken and depleted in many ways has really brought us closer together, and as cliché, as it sounds brought our relationship to a deeper level than I would have ever imagined  

As I continue through physical treatment, as well as therapy I am reminding myself that MY God comes to give LIFE and LIFE MORE ABUNDANTLY.