Healing in Preparation for Birth: Pt. 2
As I was thinking about what / where we would hold space for our Baby Olive all I had going through my head was sunflowers. I don’t know why since this has never been a flower that I have ever been particularly fond of. I’ve usually preferred roses, or since we moved to Florida - Pink Ginger Lillies and Birds of Paradise. Like I said though for some reason sunflowers kept popping up in my very vivid pregnancy dreams, and I knew it meant something:
Sunflowers are a symbol of happiness and optimism. They represent longevity, love, and loyalty. Sunflowers refer to fertility and the circle of life, and can represent a time to remember or a time to move forward.
Since we live so close to the beach and I’ve made countless trips to help with healing concerning our loss of Olive it was an easy choice to have everyone meet at “our beach” as Evie calls it. I had invited my parents and grandmother who lives in the area since my sister pointed out that it would be an opportunity for our family as a whole to be able to say something about Olive. These sunflowers were all over the space at the beach we chose.
I was prepared to be the only one who would say something since I felt this was more for me to move into our next chapter with this birth quickly approaching. It was a quick 10-15 mins. of the six of us in a circle saying things that each of us felt needed to be said, or get out things that had been left unsaid. When it came to my turn I couldn’t speak. Hearing Evie talk about her baby sister Olive (she is positive Olive was a girl) and how much she loves her was enough to bring a solid stream of tears down my face. Thankfully I had written out my words and Zach offered to read the following for me.
“OLIVE,
MY SWEET PRECIOUS BABY. THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING ME TO BE YOUR MOMMY. THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING ME TO BLESS WITH YOUR PRESENCE. THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING OUR FAMILY. AS MUCH PAIN AND GRIEF THAT CAME FROM YOUR EARTHLY PASSING I AM CHOOSING TO CELEBRATE YOUR BRIEF LIFE. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME PHYSICALLY AND I LOVE THAT. I LOVE THAT I STILL HAVE REMNANTS OF YOU WITH ME, ALWAYS. A PIECE OF YOU TO CARRY NOT ONLY IN MY HEART BUT A PART OF YOU THAT I CAN HOLD. MAYBE NOT IN MY ARMS, BUT STILL PHYSICALLY.
I NOW HAVE TO CHOOSE TO REMEMBER YOU WITHOUT GUILT THAT MY BODY WAS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO CARRY YOU TO FULL TERM. WITHOUT TORTURING MYSELF WITH WHAT OUR LIVES WOULD LOOK LIKE WITH YOU PHYSICALLY HERE TO HOLD AND LOVE ON, AND MOST GUT WRENCHING, WITHOUT IMAGINING WHAT YOUR FUTURE COULD HAVE BEEN. I KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE OUR CHILD YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN A WORLD CHANGER, AND I BELIEVE SIMPLY BY TOUCHING AND AFFECTING MY LIFE YOU ARE TO MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN MANY PEOPLE’S LIFE.
I AM PROUD TO TALK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BRIEF LIFE. ALTHOUGH I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU WERE OUR SON OR DAUGHTER I KNOW YOU ARE EXACTLY WHO OUR FAMILY NEEDED. YOU ARE A PART OF OUR FAMILY, AND I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THE HONOR OF BEING YOUR MOMMY.”
As my words left his mouth I felt it. I felt the release I have so desperately needed. The next morning I was able to think about Olive without being mournful or sorrowful and most importantly GUILT. The part that I am most thankful for is that I also was able to release the guilt I had harbored about how I felt I was not the mother Evie deserved due to how horrible our postpartum experience was. I was in a fog. I was so wrapped up on doing everything right on paper that I did not get to experience my daughter as a baby because I defined my worth as a mother by how many ounces of breastmilk I could pump for her. Throw in a pregnancy loss and a plummet into deeper health issues I carried around so much guilt around how I mothered out of anger, fury, and desperation for our first two years.
That weight was gone.
I feel that the past two years of physical healing and finally doing what I think is best for me and our family and most recently stepping into the sacred role of matriarch for our family helped me walk through these doors to the other side of true healing and having it sealed with ceremony.
Being seen by my family and feeling honored in that respect was what I needed. Not standing in the sand not just saying the words, but being seen and revered in this transition is what I needed to experience that rite of passage. This is what was missing for me.
I woke up the next morning not feeling anxious about giving birth for the first time - not that I was afraid about labor and birth, but anxious about entering into a new chapter without closing our last. I am soaking up these last few weeks/days with my first born without guilt, and savoring all of these lasts with only one babe in the house, one in heaven, and one in my womb.