“Mommy Juice”

 “I just need a break!” I yelled not at anyone in particular, but as a cry out of desperation. I grabbed the keys to the car and left the house while my husband bathed our almost 2-year-old right after he got home from work. I headed for the liquor store. It had been a long week of potty training, tantrums, whining, & crying and she needed a drink.  

My husband had off that Sunday so I took full advantage of having another parent in the house and I finished off a full bottle of whiskey over the course of the weekend by myself.

After that weekend I had the realization that I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism. I had “earned it” because I had a rough day, a rough month, at this point a rough 4 months since the loss of my second baby. It’s “acceptable” to have a glass (or two) of wine or “mommy juice” to unwind at the end of the day because - “KIDS”. So at that moment, I took full advantage of it. I had never been a big drinker, but lately, when she drank she did so with the intention of using it to make herself feel better.

The family vacation we took to Disney World, just three short weeks after my pregnancy loss was stressful, and my hormones were still all over the place so - yes please, another bottle by myself over the week. I used alcohol to mask how terribly sad, miserable, and angry I really was. I was giggly and loud and fun when I was drinking in the evenings after the kids (my daughter and niece) went to sleep. During the day my truth came out in a hateful way, snippy and just angry all while at the “happiest place on earth” with our daughter for the first time.

I drank and indulged in the name of “self-care”. Self-care because it made me feel better at the moment because it took my razor-sharp thoughts of hopelessness and dulled them for at least a little while. Self-care because it was the only break I could get from my reality of being a stay-at-home mom with no escape or form of “me time” all while drowning in postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.

I decided in April after my last bottle that it was time to handle her emotions like a big girl and work through them instead of masking or numbing them. That is SO MUCH easier said than done.

I didn’t drink from April until October (my birthday). I had a couple of drinks to celebrate with friends and family, not to hide how she was feeling. I was already happy and wasn’t using alcohol to make myself happy. The rare occasion that she chooses to now have a glass of wine is after I have inventoried my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, as well as the reason behind my choice. If I am not in a good mental place (remembering that recently I had been comparing myself to someone else online, upset about a business decision, burnt out from being my child’s primary caregiver, etc.) I gladly choose to just stick to water if I’m not already in a good mental place.

This is not a post to shame anyone. This is a post to express that liquor and wine are being marketed to parents as a way to cope with their child(ren) and it is toxic.

Instead of looking for tools to cope, and positive and healthy ways to handle stress, we are told it’s ok to just numb our pain or discomfort. Let’s set an example for our child(ren) who we already expect to manage big emotions in a grown-up way.

Let’s show them that there are other ways to cope with discomfort and pain (emotional and physical) and that they do not need to rely on substances. It has to be so much more than just our words, their little eyes see so much more than we often realize. We have to show them and equip them in ways we might not have been taught to.

Edit: this original post was written in April 2019 about the events of 2018.