My Relationship with My Body Pt. 2

We had been trying to conceive for two years, and it finally had me take a good look at my health history. By this, I mean how my previous annual doctor’s visits had gone or visits I had made for other issues throughout the years. 

I have a history of IBS (constipation for weeks on end - even before I started taking phentermine) and I blamed it on my thyroid. 

Typing all of this out also helps me realize that not one care provider asked me about any of the topics that I listed - diet, exercise, eating disorders etc. they were very quick to suggest Miralax or a prescription that came with a black box warning that I was to be on for the rest of my life because no matter what my diet or exercise was, “it wouldn’t change anything” according to my primary doctor and specialist. 

No one asked me the level of stress I was under, or how my job was. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with how I was physically. (insert eyeroll)

I might not have had a “stressful corporate” job, but I did have HUGE weekly deadlines when I worked in marketing as well as a sales quota during that time and when I was in retail. 

I knew that the stress I was under at that time was affecting my ability to get pregnant, but I had no clue how much stress I had put my body through over my entire life up until that point. 

I quit my corporate marketing job and a few months later I started working part-time at a local bridal shop. It was a very relaxed atmosphere, and less than 30 hours a week was glorious. I was able to sleep in every day and take my time getting ready.

After three years of trying to conceive I booked us an appointment with a fertility clinic. I was considered “obese” at that point and the nurse politely told me that the doctor would want me to lose at least 15lbs before we started any kind of treatment. He suggested I go on a low-carb diet (Keto). I was a size 8 at the time.

I started to meal prep since I had more free time, started reading labels more closely, and ultimately decided to try the Whole30 (this was at its peak popularity in 2015) and also another perfect fit for my past eating disorders. I found out I was pregnant the day I was supposed to go in for bloodwork for the potential of starting our fertility treatments with IUI.

Due to my history of stress, my husband told me to quit even my part-time job so I could rest as much as possible to grow our baby. I ended up sleeping almost all of my pregnancy. I did not “eat for two” by any means, but I also indulged in foods that I typically wouldn’t.

Since my 4th trimester was not well supported or nourished compared to what I now know we physiologically need, a lack of sleep, proper nourishment etc. my weight stayed “high”.

18 months later I was surprised with a positive pregnancy test which ultimately lead to a pregnancy loss. This lead me to my diagnosis of hypothyroidism, Hashimotos, postpartum depression, and postpartum anxiety and would ultimately explain why I was so exhausted. I was gaslit by my OB about my exhaustion and it took me paying out of pocket for my labwork to show her that something had to be “wrong with me”. I swore that was the last time I would work with an allopathic practitioner. (ALWAYS ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF!)

It took a year and a half of doing everything imaginable to heal my body. The AIP diet, fit right into my past control issues with food, only this time it was justified since it was to “help my body”. My diet was again restricted. After approximately a year of strict gluten-free, clean eating, supplements, etc. my hormone levels finally started to come back into a healthy range.

We conceived Atlas and because of how much I nourished my body prenatally and in my 4th trimester, my weight resumed to my pre-pregnancy weight and size for the first time in three pregnancies.

That was when we decided to pull the trigger on our move out of state and into the 5th wheel. With that came a slew of anxiety, stress, trauma, death to my old self, and even less sleep. My body did not feel safe…

As of writing this, I am two years postpartum and still breastfeeding around the clock and Atlas still doesn’t go longer than a solid 4 hour stretch of sleep which means neither do I.

In this journey of rest for the year 2022, I have found that I have been trying to make myself small for so long. In doing so I have told my body that it’s not safe, I’ve starved myself and ran myself into exhaustion.

This is not the legacy I am leaving for my children. My daughter has never heard me speak negatively of my body in any way shape or form, and she has been my “why” for so many things in my life, and this is by far the biggest one.

I want her to LOVE and APPRECIATE how magical her body is. I want my son to know he was born perfectly and does not need to be altered in any way. I want them to hear a beautiful inner voice of love and acceptance for their bodies with the desire always be healthy.

I am wearing clothes that fit my body, and not the other way around. I am not wearing clothes that squeeze me and I spill out of. I am not wearing rags, because I refuse to buy bigger clothes. I am on the verge of purging all the clothes that I have hung onto for years with the hope of one day fitting back into them…

Evie has gone on two “try-on” trips with me in her short 6 years. Both times I knew she was watching me like a hawk, and she can feel what I am feeling, so no amount of “faking it until you make it” will trick our intelligent babes. I knew that I needed to genuinely feel good in what I was trying on, not just for my sake, but for hers as well.

The most recent trip included the largest pair of shorts I have ever worn in my entire life, and the size right below it.

I tried on the largest size first, it fit like a glove. So perfect and I didn’t feel like I was being squished. I should have stopped there, but I didn’t.

I tried on the smaller size, and sure enough, it was too tight, I couldn’t breathe and I was obviously uncomfortable. Evie told me that she liked the first pair best because it looked better on me, and I “looked like I felt better” in the first pair. I walked out of Target with the largest pair of bottoms I have ever worn in my life, and with a smile on my face because I know that this body grew hers. This body is slowly being nourished back to the health that I know I deserve. This body will sleep again soon (night weaning take 3 coming in hot!) and with that I will be communicating to it that we are safe, and can turn off. It is a JOURNEY and knowing that I am doing this to stop the cycle of wasting so much time ridiculing my body instead of just enjoying the short amount of time I ultimately have in this body.

One final note that I ask myself for every negative thought I might have about my body… WHO BENEFITS FROM THIS THOUGHT?! This can be anyone from plastic surgeons, to anyone in the cosmetic industry, fast fashion, etc.

I feel like you have to be living under a rock if you haven’t heard “Victoria’s Secret” yet, but I swear it perfectly encompasses this sentiment and is exactly what teenage / 20’s Audrey needed to hear and maybe, just maybe it would have made a difference.

Tell me, where you also a teen in the ‘00’s and know what I’m talking about? How is your relationship with your body? Who benefits from you thinking that you are anything less than who you are?