Boundaries
This is a topic that comes up with almost every family I work with.
From “How do I tell my mother-in-law that I don’t want her holding the baby with her strong perfume?”, to “How do I tell my mom that I don’t want her to come visit until the baby is a few weeks old?”
(Yes, the bulk of the conversations is around the new grandparents)
It’s such an interesting conversation to navigate as every family is different, so listed below are a few of my standard recommendations.
Recommended Conversation Starters:
“Hey (mom / MIL), we are so thrilled that you are excited to hold/see the baby! We are asking those who are in our space during this time to refrain from fragrances as our baby is still adjusting to life outside the womb. You can always put it on after you leave! Let us know if you have any questions!
(Family member/friend), thank you for looking forward to coming to see us and the baby! We are looking to rest the first couple of weeks with just us as we adjust to our new routine and get to know our new baby. We’ll let you know when is the best time to come visit! Talk with you soon!
(I recommend this for anyone that is coming to “see the baby” and whose intention is not to take care of the mother and the house or other children.)
It helps if both parents are in agreement, but ultimately it boils down to what the mom wants/needs to be comfortable (in my not-so-humble opinion) and it is not enough to simply set the boundary, it needs to be enforced, and this is typically best when done by the husband/partner.
The reason I suggest a text/email is because it does not leave room for a conversation, while leaving it as the boundary, and also gives time for a response, and not an immediate emotionally charged reaction.
It really is best to start setting these types of boundaries during your pre-conception phase with little things, and then as your pregnancy continues it will get easier, so when you get into postpartum it’s a walk in the park for you!
As a postpartum mom, this can potentially be a new challenge. One commonly overlooked scenario is one that can leave you feeling drained and it is often an emotionally charged conversation with friends/family members. You may have been able to emotionally support someone in the past but now your nervous system is incredibly tender and the added stress of holding space for another adult can be taxing and incredibly damaging.
Here is how postpartum moms/ ALL OF US can set a boundary without being an asshole rude and still getting your point across.
“I hear what you are experiencing is (insert adjective). I know based on our relationship I would be someone to sit with you as you navigate this, and at this time I am unable to be that for you.”
“I am currently experiencing a massive shift as I am learning to be a mom to this new baby and all the changes. I am not able to provide emotional support for you as well during this time.”
Notice what I didn’t include?
An apology.
Do not apologize for not being able to support them, you are doing nothing wrong. Your identity has changed so drastically in a short amount of time, and with that so will your relationships.
If you feel the need, express gratitude for their understanding of this shift. If you feel the need to apologize that they are experiencing something “big” that’s not apologizing for something you are not able to do.
“I” statements are key! It takes ownership of how you are feeling, and not telling the other party that they are in the wrong - especially if this has been the type of relationship you have had in the past.
Do not blame others for your feelings, because they are just that - YOURS.
We decide how to feel and no one can make us feel anything.
Family and friends of newly postpartum families (moms, dads, siblings etc.) please consider the life-changing event that is to be pregnant and birth a baby and how the whole family’s constellation has changed before you go to react in an emotionally charged way.
If you are fortunate enough to be welcomed into a new family’s bubble during this time, remember that you are there to serve and support them.
In the instance of a live birth, this means sleepless nights, new routines, getting used to the shift in mom’s body, the possible financial strain etc.
In the instance of a baby born too soon or sleeping, it’s all of the above plus the reality that there is no baby to hold in their arms.
Postpartum is truly forever, and while mothers are doing the work of a village, alone, and often in isolation, it can bring any strong woman to their breaking point.
Be gentle with us. Most of us are barely hanging on and doing our best.
What are other suggestions you might have for setting a healthy boundary?