Dressing Room Confessions

I have always HATED trying on clothes.

Rewind to me at 11 years old the year before I had my breast reduction due to being 12 and a 36DD. I walked into an American Eagle (I loved their style but also that my initials at the time AE were all over everything!) and grabbed some jeans to try on. I pulled a few pairs of jeans and went into the dressing room. The pin thin attendant looked me up and down, looked at the sizes I selected and went back to what she was doing.  

After trying on every last size, feeling beyond defeated and on the brink of tears  - the attendant knocked on the door and with a condescending tone she asked:

“Do you need a bigger size?” 

The problem with that loaded question was that there were no sizes larger than what I had already tried on. I left the store feeling so insecure and swore that I would never go back.

I grew up during the Atkins, Weight Watchers, low-fat, fat-free, and diet pill fads. My whole life has been spent so much like other women, unfortunately - hating what I looked like. Even the years that I was a 0, 2, 4 I still remember feeling I was too heavy and needed to lose weight thanks to the magazine covers that told me so. For as long as I can remember my mom has never been happy with her body, and like her, I chose to see the negative that the world projected onto women’s figures.

Present Day - I am a little over two years postpartum (technically 10 months postpartum from our loss this January), and I still look like I am at least 6 months pregnant. Obviously, the diagnosis of hypothyroidism and Hashimoto’s explains A LOT considering no matter how clean I ate the scale hadn’t moved and my clothes still fit the same - tight and uncomfortable as ever. Now that I am healing my body through continued clean eating, supplements, prescription, and adding pilates to my physical activity I am expecting to see changes in my size over the next few months. Since I’m expecting to see my sizes go down I am trying to avoid purchasing new clothes at my current size because I do not see the value in adding to my wardrobe at this time. That being said, I’m still a 14 / 16 and an L / XL. 

Today I HAD to go buy new clothes. I haven’t had to wear something “business casual” since before I was pregnant with Evangeline, so almost three years ago. Obviously pre-baby weight, my closet is still (for some reason) filled with size 6/8 clothes that I have from my last stint in the corporate world and they are not going to come close to fitting. So today I went to the store with Evie in tow and we picked out a few items for mommy to try on.

I stood in the dressing room with my Spanx already on under my clothes, as I grabbed my items to try on. I grabbed a dress out of the cart, and as I slid it over my head and pulled it down my waist I knew Evie was watching me like a hawk. I made a point to keep somewhat of a smile on my face the whole time I was in that changing room. As I stood in the mirror taking pictures to send for other opinions on how it looked, her precious little voice exclaimed

“Mommy’s like a princess!”.

That little statement made not only my eyes swell but also the decision on what I was buying today. I thanked Evie profusely for her compliment, and the rest of the trip was spent telling her that she was such an encouragement to mommy today and such a big helper. My little precious daughter that I am responsible for raising in this big sometimes cruel world is my reminder to see it through her eyes. When she puts on dresses, she also has her tiara, and elbow-length gloves because she is a beautiful princess. Not because she’s pretending, but because she knows she is. My precious babydoll, I pray you always remember to tell other people the amazing compliments you have in your mind when you think of them. Tell all the little kids you see that you like their hair or the color of their skin or eyes, that you like how they share, or that they are super brave for going down the big slide all by themselves. Continue to encourage others, and be uplifting to everyone you meet.

I pray that I encourage her to not only be comfortable in her skin but to love her body and appreciate what it is capable of. I pray that as she grows we continue to encourage her to aim for health and not a set number on the scale or what size jeans she fits into. Most importantly that I encourage her not only with my words but by example.

Evangeline, thank you for encouraging your mommy to be the best version of herself.